Friday, 1 April 2011

British Serbs guilty of “ethnic sick leave”

British Serbs guilty of “ethnic sick leave”

British Serbs are officially the worst offenders when it comes to calling in sick during the year, it has been revealed.

Surprising statistics published in a report today show an unmistakable correspondence between British Serbs’ ethnic holidays and the days of the year they most often call in sick to work.

The figures displayed on the chart below are based on decades of research by Britain’s union of Determined Workers against Lateness and Unauthorised absence (BuDWaLUa), which aims to tackle the problem of lateness at the workplace and absences during the working year. Dirk Bena, chief executive of the above quango, stated in a press conference publicising his report’s findings this morning, “What we are presenting here is a prime example of what our organisation brands ‘ethnic sick leave’. And what our startling figures show is that members of our country’s ethnic Serb community are by far the worst offenders of this workplace malpractice, topping the polls way above other communities, such as the Irish, Scots, Welsh and Italians.”

“Over the last 15 years, we have observed consistently on 7th and 14th January, days on which Serbs celebrate Orthodox Christmas and New Year’s day respectively, are the days on which at least 19,000 British Serbs each year without fail – and despite the global recession! – report a sickie to their employers!”, explains Mr. Bena. “However, there are also many other days they call off sick during the year, but with less regularity than the first two, e.g. St Sava’s day on 27th January, St Nicholas’ day on 19th December, and St George’s day on 6th May”, which Serbs celebrate 13 days after the same patron saint’s day is celebrated throughout England.

Figures courtesy of Britain’s union of Determined Workers against Lateness and Unauthorised absence (BuDWaLUa), showing ethnic groups in the UK, and the days on which they were absent from work over the last five years, taking into account the recent global recession:
Statistics from BuDWaLUa, published today

Such news is received very grimly and indignantly by members of the British Serb population and by various organisations throughout the country representing this community, which has felt much maligned by the national media over the past twenty years. Quick to jump to the defence of his fellow ethnics is Stan Smiljanic, chief editor of the British Serb magazine Britić.

“These figures are such an exaggeration!”, thundered Stan. “And as such, they merely follow a trend of negative and defamatory press seen and felt over many years by us British Serbs!”

Stan’s colleague Aleks Simic, on the other hand, calmly insists, “Instead of engaging in stereotyping people like this report does, our pioneering magazine Britić, which aims to promote Serb culture and language within the UK amongst our various members, including people from the earliest migrations of Serbs from the Balkans into this country following World War Two and in subsequent decades, wants to create understanding, inspire appreciation and encourage tolerance of our unique community and our fascinating customs by the rest of the Great British population.”

To see Stan Smiljanic and Aleks Simic’s response to this report in full, visit the Britić website.


Anonymous said...

I'm a Serb and I often take sick leave when I need to go to someone's slava. It is completely justified because the people at my work make me sick!

Anonymous said...

Well if the 25 th of December wasn't a public holiday how many Brits would take a sicki they take the day of because it's there christmas if anything this article is racist and the. Author is extremely narrow minded.

Balkan Ⓐnarchist said...

Anonymous (1 November 2011 05:47), don't worry, this article is an April fool's prank!